Your favorite hat has got to be your TRUSTY FEDORA. Not only is it just like the one your dad wears, but it’s really just about the only hat that says what a serious and gritty detective you are.

The homburg is great too, of course; but you feel that’s probably more of a ruthless gangster hat than a hardboiled gumshoe. You own one anyway of course, a black one, for those days where you are feeling especially close to the edge. Honestly you don’t have many occasions to wear it.

A pork pie hat on the other hand is absolutely too rakish and debonair for a guy like you. There is no way you could pull off wearing one at your current, rather meager level of pulchritude. That kind of hat is exclusively for flash bastards who are getting ALL THE DAMES, which you also don’t have. You want to have one one day, though. A pork pie hat you mean.